As my second child grows through infanthood, I am often struck by the same sentiment: Why did I think this was so hard the first time?
Maybe it’s because she is my second. Maybe it’s because she is a wonderful, easy baby. Or maybe it’s just the comparison to my potty-training, always-mobile toddler. But, damn, it is easier this time around.
A big part of it, I’m sure, is that the newborn stage is no longer new and terrifying. I’ve been here before. And no matter how tough it was, we got through it, and everything was okay.
I’ve been reflecting this week, asking myself: What do I know now that I didn’t know then? Here's what I came up with for all the new parents out there looking for a lifeline.
Jump Ahead:
1. Find a nearby friend with a kid the same age.
I can’t stress this enough. I met my closest mom friend when our kids were a few months old, and we really helped each other through the seemingly insurmountable struggles of early motherhood. I'm so sad now, as she is preparing to move back to her home state.
We met at a gathering organized by one of those “Moms” Facebook groups and have continued meeting regularly ever since. If you don’t have a parent network in your area, consider taking the initiative to start one. It will be a great resource over time.
It’s great to have parent-friends in other areas or with kids of different ages, but nothing really compares to having someone nearby who is going through exactly what you are during that first crazy year. Early motherhood can be extremely isolating, and a friend to spend time with can really help you feel connected and supported by others.
2. It’s okay to put them in the nursery.
Not before six months, they say. Co-sleeping is more natural, others advise. But neither was right for us.
After eight weeks awake and a breakdown in the pediatrician’s office, our doctor suggested we move our two-month-old to the nursery.
Our son was an extremely light sleeper and could not snooze even ten minutes undisturbed in our bedroom. Nobody was sleeping, and it was unhealthy for everyone.
I’d been very reluctant to move him because I was uncomfortable with the baby being further away from me. But the doc made a few recommendations that helped ease my anxiety, and we decided to try it.
That first night, I slept in the chair in his room, and he slept four straight hours. Four hours! It was a miracle.
The second night, I returned to our bed with the baby monitor right next to my ear. Another night of four-hour stretches! On the third day, we packed up our bedside bassinet, and he’s slept independently ever since.
I wish I’d been comfortable making the move sooner. It could’ve saved us all a lot of trouble. This time around, we moved our daughter into her nursery at ten weeks, and she’s already sleeping through the night. *knocks on wood immediately*
3. Take that baby out of the house!
After those first 2-3 months of quarantine (doctor recommended for safety), get yourself and the baby OUT of the house!
It is so easy to stay home all day with the baby. It’s comfortable, you have everything you need, and you don’t need to worry about risking your child’s health and safety by exposing them to the outside world.
But, really, staying home can exacerbate the mental health struggles of early motherhood. It takes an already isolating and stressful period and makes it the only thing in your life.
Over time, I found that a strong reluctance to leave increases agoraphobic tendencies and stops you from remembering the glorious outside world you were once a part of. It takes your already-evolving identity and shoves it into a little “just a mom” box, where nothing exists except your child, your chores, and your stress.
The longer you stay home, the harder it is to leave. Suddenly, the prospect of leaving becomes daunting – and even impossible.
How could you possibly pack everything you need for an outing? What if there’s a diaper blowout? What if there’s a spill? What if they get hungry? What if they spit up? What if they need a toy? Or a blanket? Or more than the seven diapers that fit in your bag? What if they cry in the car? How will you comfort them when you are driving?
Your head is spinning and you are packing. And packing. And throwing a few extra things in the trunk, just in case. You’ll need the stroller (how does that unfold again?), and you need to make sure you can move all these things around independently while keeping your child safe.
And now you’re ready to go, but the baby needs a change first. And then we should probably have a quick feeding, just in case. Oh, but darn, now we need another diaper change.
And, oh, look at the time! Looks like we can’t go, because how will we ever be back in time for their scheduled nap? So, you cancel the whole outing and are even less likely to try next time.
I wish someone had just told me to GO. Just GO. Get yourself and the baby in the car and go to the park in town. Go to the library or a museum. Go to the grocery store. Go to a friend’s house. Go for a walk, for fuck’s sake, just GET OUT OF THE HOUSE.
And once you do, you’ll realize it’s really no big deal. You’ll bring what you need to feel comfortable, but this will be less and less stuff with every outing (try a kibou bag for true efficiency).
Soon, you’ll love getting out, not only as something to do, but as a way to further bond with your baby as you teach them all about the world in which they live.
4. Do your best to eliminate defensiveness and competition from your conversations and mentality about parenting.
I’ve always been a pretty competitive person. Not so much a defensive one, but I love to compete, and I love to win. I’m not ashamed of it. But it can be exhausting, and there is absolutely no room for it in parenting.
Every child is different, and every parent has strategies and routines that work for them.
It’s a waste of energy to compare your child’s milestones to others’ or to examine your parenting style to determine if it is “better” or “worse” than someone else’s. It’s just different, and that’s okay!
If another parent (whether it is your parents, your in-laws, a friend, a cousin, or whatever) gives you advice you don’t like or does something differently than you, try not to become upset or defensive.
Just because they are sharing an alternative method, it doesn’t mean your way is wrong, and they probably didn’t mean it like that, anyway. Listen, take what value you can from them, and move on.
I almost titled this section: “Don’t get too excited when they are “advanced” – And don’t be upset if they are “delayed.”” Because this is an enormous part of what I’m talking about.
Milestones are based on averages; most kids will fall above or below them. And it is truly not important. As a general rule of thumb, if your doctor and other professionals (teachers, specialists, etc.) are not concerned, you shouldn’t be either.
I'll share a short anecdote about my son to highlight this point. He was a little behind in learning how to walk. Not drastically so, but on the late side. I was self-conscious about it and didn’t want to discuss it with others because I was worried we’d done something wrong.
On the other hand, he was significantly advanced verbally. The kid has been stringing together sentences since before many his age put two words together. I was excited about this and loved showing off the little chatterbox.
But, as time went on, he caught right up in his movement, and the other kids caught up to him in speaking. You look at them now and can’t tell who was behind or ahead in anything, and they’re only two! Really, none of it mattered very much.
It all evens out in the end, and remembering so will help you keep the pressure off.
5. Keep a sense of humor.
Keep laughing. And laugh even more when crazy things happen.
Last week, my daughter threw up so violently that I needed to change all my clothes right before an event. It came after I spent days agonizing over an outfit I liked on my post-partum self. Afterward, I changed into another painstakingly chosen outfit, and she did it again.
Sure, I could cry, get mad, or shake my fist at the sky. Or alternatively, I can laugh. Because WHY, universe, WHY!?
Like most things, it just doesn’t seem so bad if you laugh about it.
6. You actually do need some of the things experienced parents tell you not to waste money on – But you can find them way cheaper on Facebook marketplace.
It’s trendy right now to tell expecting first-time parents they don’t need most of the items recommended for their baby registry. And sure, if you’re thinking in terms of life-or-death needs, I guess they’re right.
But a lot of the items people warn against will make your life a hell of a lot easier, even if you don’t NEED them. Take the baby bjorn bouncer, for example. Influencers love to tell you not to buy this because it’s expensive, and their followers really want to hear they don’t need it.
But, this simple bouncy chair is our most-used baby item in the house. It’s a remarkably easy-to-clean, easy-to-transport, convenient place to put the baby when you need your hands free. It is more comfortable and longer-lasting than the knock-offs – I know, I’ve tried a few.
The real secret here is that you probably don’t need to buy these items at full price. We borrowed a baby bjorn bouncer from my brother for our first child and purchased one on Facebook marketplace for our second.
People don’t need baby items forever, and you can almost always find them hand-me-down or on resale for less money. Especially since most of these things have removable covers that go right in the washing machine, pre-owned is the way to go (except with safety items, such as a car seat).
Oh, the money I could have saved if I had realized this earlier!
7. Make sure you like your pediatrician.
We spent our first few appointments being dismissed and made to feel rushed and uncomfortable by our pediatrician. She had us returning every two days to check baby’s weight, even though we later found out he was in the normal range of growth for a three-week-early baby. I'm still not sure what that was all about.
Eventually, our doctor had a scheduling conflict, so we ended up seeing a different person in the practice. We absolutely loved her and asked them to switch us full-time. We still love her!
I wish I’d known that I could (and should) just request a new doctor the moment I felt unhappy with the first one. It would’ve saved us a lot of trouble and we would’ve been much happier.
8. When it comes to other people with your kids, set the boundaries you are comfortable with and communicate them clearly.
Every new parent has different comfort levels when it comes to other people and their children. It’s okay to set boundaries and communicate those boundaries to your loved ones.
A big one is holding the baby. Many new moms (myself included) do not feel comfortable with people holding their baby before a certain age. For me, it was not until after the first round of vaccinations. And even now, I try very hard to avoid letting others hold my 13-week-old.
I cannot explain why, exactly, but I just don’t like it. Something in my gut tells me to keep her close, so that’s what I do. And I felt exactly the same when my son was born. It went away over time.
All moms have different comfort levels. Maybe it has to do with family sleepovers. Maybe it’s people taking your baby on an outing without you. Maybe it’s leaving the baby with a non-family member sitter. Whatever it is, it’s okay to set the boundary and stick to it when challenged.
And really, most people understand. If they don’t, it says more about them than it does about you.
9. Try to keep your cool and rely on your common sense.
You are a mom. You are designed to know what is best for your baby.
A million parenting “experts” are out there writing books, leading social media pages, and capitalizing on whatever “method” is making them the most money. Many of them are contradictory, and trying to find the “right” one can be overwhelming.
My dad is always telling me to trust my instincts when it comes to parenting. Sure, read the books, listen to the podcasts, or follow the social media pages. But, at the end of the day, do what feels right for you and your kid. Because every child (and parent) is unique, and no size could ever fit all.
Keep your cool when something happens and you don’t know how to handle it. Do a little research and ask around to hear how other parents you trust are handling similar situations.
Then, pick and choose from whatever advice you receive to create a strategy that feels right to YOU.
10. Remember, for better or worse, this is just a season.
Early motherhood is so hard, but every tough day is peppered with amazing little moments that will bring you joy like you’ve never known before.
The hard stuff will pass. Your kids won’t be small and helpless forever. They will sleep one day, and so will you.
But the good stuff will also pass. Those toothless baby smiles. The teeny little fingers closing around your own for the first time. The way their tiny faces break into pure elation when they recognize you, and you are all they know.
Try not to let the bad stuff bring you down. And, just as importantly, keep hold of the good stuff as long as you can. Notice it. Cherish it. Remember it. Slow down, and embrace the joy of your baby as often as possible.
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