A friend confided in me recently that she was considering freezing her eggs. Why? She wants to preserve her ability to have a child in her 30s, with or without a life partner.
I was initially surprised and, I’ll admit, somewhat skeptical of her plan to have a child on her own. Not out of dislike for the idea in general — I mean, I know people do this — But nobody had ever shared those intentions with me before, and I hadn’t been expecting to hear it.
And, of course, as a mom of two, I was struck by how difficult it would be to do it on your own. But then again, is it more difficult to raise a child alone than with an unsupportive (or worse, harmful) partner? Maybe not.
The Elusive Co-Parenting Partner You’ve Been Waiting For
It’s tough to find a compatible life partner. We are often brought up to believe the right person will fall out of the sky, maybe into our favorite coffee shop or a few machines down at the gym, and the rest will be history.
But that’s not the reality for most people.
We learn from a young age to prioritize ambition over people. Cancel your social plans to study for that quiz. Better not attend that party if your work is piling up. Never sit with your friends in a class if you want to earn a good grade.
Sometimes, I wonder if we’d be better off teaching a balance of priorities. What’s career success without people to share it with? Ambition cannot fill all the many cups you’ll need in your life.
And even if you are out there meeting people, dating, dipping a toe in the relationships life has to offer, you still might not meet the right person. They just haven’t shown up yet. Your paths haven’t crossed.
But you want a family. And you want a child. And you’re getting older, and the pressure weighs heavier with every subpar date you go on. And you start to wonder if you’re the problem — Are your standards too high? Are you looking for something that doesn’t exist? Was that last guy who was ‘just okay’ actually ‘good enough’ for what you need him for? Sigh.
For so many generations, women settled. They chose the best available, even if he was nowhere near ideal, because they wanted a family, and their biological clocks were ticking like this…*stomps foot* And they often suffered for it.
But are ‘we the millennials’ the same? Can our generational quest for self-sufficiency extend even into this most partner-oriented aspect of life?
Choosing to Have a Child On Your Own
Back to my friend for a minute. She’s massively successful in her career. Finances are not an issue in this particular discussion. She has a strong support system in her friends and family. She is smart, resourceful, and will make an astounding mother whenever she decides to have kids.
Should she really refrain from having children simply because she hasn’t met the right person? Or worse, should she marry someone who doesn’t treat her (or her future children) right just because she wants a child?
I’d say no.
Why shouldn’t she have a child when she’s ready? Why shouldn’t she fulfill her dream of motherhood on her own? Will it be hard? Absolutely. But parenting is always hard. And plenty do it with less than she has, even if they are married. Marriage certainly doesn’t guarantee parenting support.
I’d argue that it’s better to hire an excellent nanny to help raise your children than to marry someone for the sake of starting a family, only to realize they won’t be the helpful partner you imagined. I mean, why marry someone for their sperm? You can find that basically anywhere. (Was that crude?)
Besides, you can always let a nanny go if they make decisions that are detrimental to your family. But your spouse and biological father of your children? Even if you get divorced, you’re stuck with them (and their legacy) forever.
Deliberate Single Parenting in the Modern Age
Deciding to have a child on your own takes the pressure out of the seemingly crucial and omnipresent quest for a life partner. Despite the societal mantra that “families look different,” there’s a hell of a lot of pressure on people to create one in a traditional mold.
Choosing to start a family alone does not mean committing to a life of single parenthood. You might meet a special person before you have the baby and throw the whole plan out the window. You might meet someone afterward and incorporate them into your family’s life.
Either way, maybe it’s time to recognize that modern women can realize their dreams of motherhood, with or without a man. Maybe we will be the generation that redefines motherhood in this way.
As I mentioned earlier, I was initially surprised (and a little skeptical) when my friend shared her plans with me. I’m a happily married mom of two, and this was a somewhat predictable reaction.
But now, after a few weeks’ reflection, I can’t help but think it’s actually a fantastic idea. Not only does it relieve the pressure, but it also ensures that she will be a mother. And the world will be better for it.
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Copyright © 2023 Anna Dunworth
i love this one ❤️