“Fuck.” – My two-year-old after falling on his butt.
I like to think we’ve all been there. Your kid does or says something, and you think, “Uh-oh – Did they learn that from me?!”
If you can relate, you already know what I’m about to tell you: Kids learn the behavior we model.
What is Modeling?
Simply put, modeling is when you show someone how to do something by doing it yourself. You’ll also hear it referred to as “observational learning” in education circles.
As parents, we’re always modeling. Anytime our kids are watching us, they learn from our behavior. That’s why the age-old “do as I say, not as I do” mentality just doesn’t work for long-term success.
Do Kids Learn from Modeling Behavior?
The short answer: Yes!
Kids absolutely learn from the behavior and language we model in front of them.
This can be a great way to teach basic skills - Like when our young kids see us walking around and eventually get up on their own two feet in imitation.
But it can also be not-so-great… Like when your kids yell "asshole" at the reckless driver who cut you off on the way to the supermarket. I mean, did they have to pick that up, too?
Take It from a Teacher
The benefits of modeling in a classroom are enormous and (in my opinion) undeniable.
Especially when working with struggling students, you’ll get much further by showing them an example than by just explaining how to do something. The best teaching methods involve explaining a concept AND modeling what it looks like in practice.
Modeling in the classroom can be explicit or implicit.
Explicit modeling is when you actively and purposefully model a skill or behavior you want children to emulate. This could be showing a completed example of an activity or walking your students through solving a math problem on the board.
Implicit modeling is everything you teach unintentionally as children watch you and learn from your behavior. We are always implicitly modeling, whether we realize it or not.
As a teacher, students see you as an example of a “person at work” and therefore learn how to be a “person at work” by watching you. Are you speaking professionally or using over-casual slang? Are you dressed well or pushing the boundaries in an inappropriate outfit? Are you keeping your cool or falling victim to your emotions?
The list goes on forever – We are always teaching our students how to act in a professional setting because we are always implicitly modeling behavior.
In the same way students learn professionalism from their teachers, children learn how to be people from their parents. Your implicit modeling teaches them how to speak, act, and generally live their lives.
But, What Does the Research Say About Modeling?
The research agrees that people of all ages learn from observing behaviors modeled by those around them.
This Psychology Today article (2018) discusses the tendency of children to learn through observation from toddlerhood into their teenage years. Shrier (2014) takes this a step further by detailing the ability of children as young as 14 months to imitate behavior they’ve seen for only 20 seconds! Wild.
Even when your children get older, some educators believe modeling and observational learning are key tools for teaching complex skills and behaviors, such as writing and presenting research. Check out these interesting findings below:
Van Der Look, Krahmer and Amersvoot (2016) found observational learning to be an effective method of teaching college students to write academic papers.
Grenner, et al (2018) found modeling to be successful in teaching 5th graders how to write in all genres.
De Grez, Valcke, and Roozen (2013) found modeling to be more effective than learning through practice when teaching college students to present to their peers.
There’s little doubt that children and young adults imitate behaviors they see, but luckily the research also shows you have some control over which they pick up and which they ignore. Your reaction to their imitated behaviors can directly impact whether your child continues them.
How Can You Use Modeling as a Parent?
Here are a few ways to incorporate modeling into your parenting repertoire.
Explicitly Model New Skills You Want Your Kids to Learn: “I do, We do, You do”
Just like the teachers in their classrooms, you can use modeling to teach your kids new concepts and skills.
Model both the skill/behavior and the thought process behind it before asking the child to practice it independently.
In education, we call this three-step method "I do, we do, you do."
I do: Model the new skill for your child.
We do: Practice the new skill together.
You do: Encourage your child to use the skill independently.
An "I Do/We Do/You Do" Example
Activity: Matching Shapes
Objective: Toddler will match cut-out shapes to their outline on a piece of paper
Materials: Paper with outlines of basic shapes. Cut-outs of basic shapes. (You can quickly make this with paper, marker, and scissors at home.)
I Do:
“Hmm…I see outlines of different shapes on this chart. And here I have many little versions of the same shapes. I wonder if I can match each shape to its outline on the chart.”
*parent picks up square from pile of cut-outs*
“This is a square. I wonder if there is a square on the chart.”
*parent hovers the square over a different shape’s outline (triangle, etc.)*
“Hmm… that doesn’t look right. The outline and the square do not match. Maybe I should try this square somewhere else.”
*parent moves square to the correct outline*
“Look at that! This square fits here because it looks just like the outline. The outline has four straight lines and so does this square. I think I’ll put this square cut-out on top of the square outline on my chart. Perfect!”
Continue with other shapes until your toddler is ready for “We Do.”
We Do:
*parent holds up square for toddler to see*
“Can you help me put this square on the shapes chart? I’m not sure where to put it.”
*parent hovers square over a different shape (triangle, etc.)*
“Do you think this square goes here? Is this a square outline?”
*parent waits for toddler’s response*
“You’re right! The square doesn’t go here because the outline doesn’t match. Where should I put it instead?”
*parent continues until toddler helps them place the square in the correct outline*
Continue with other shapes until your toddler is ready for “You Do.”
You Do:
“Can you help me find the square?”
*toddler finds square in the pile of cut-out shapes*
“Where does the square go? Can you put it on the chart?”
*toddler puts square on the chart*
“Great job! I’m so proud of how hard you’ve been working on learning your shapes! Let’s do the triangle next…”
Notice how detailed the parent is when voicing the thought process. Nothing is left out. Everything is clearly explained instead of implied. They also take care to mention the name of the shape as many times as possible to help their toddler learn its name.
Model Everyday Behavior to Help Your Kids Grow as People
One of the best pieces of parenting advice I’ve received came from my dad just before my son was born. He told me to remember we are raising adults, not children, and to keep that in mind when we talk or act in front of him.
If you want your kids to dress well, get dressed in the morning instead of staying in your PJs. If you want them to eat healthier and drink water, do the same in front of them. If you want them to say please and thank you, say it yourself, every time. If you want your children to control their emotions, stay in control of your own. And so on…
You get the idea – Decide which habits you want for your kids and incorporate them into your own routine. They will learn the behavior you model every day.
Remember You Are Always Modeling (And Teaching) Your Kids
Nobody is perfect, and no parent is a perfect role model 100% of the time. It’s only normal to slip up now and then. If you remember you are ALWAYS modeling (and therefore teaching behavior to your kids), you can quickly and easily recover from these mishaps.
A Personal Example
Let’s talk about losing your temper – It’s really inevitable for all of us. It happened to me yesterday.
After being up all night with our one-month-old, I completely lost my shit with our Alexa for mishearing me multiple times in a row. I slammed my hand on the counter and yelled at the stupid thing, just to turn around and see our two-year-old watching me with wide, shocked eyes. Oops.
So how do we fix it? Well, I modeled a pretty bad behavior – losing my temper, yelling at someone, shouting in the kitchen, banging my hand on the counter, etc. etc. So, it was time to model a good one to help make up for it.
I explained to him that “Mommy was tired, and it’s okay to be tired, but it’s never okay to yell at someone like that.” Then I apologized to the stupid Alexa. Did I feel ridiculous? Yep. Was this a great scenario to have modeled for my son? Nope. But at least he also saw me apologize and try to fix it.
Don’t Forget About Reinforcement
Now you're doing your best to model positive behavior and keep your less-desirable habits under wraps. Are you finished? Not quite.
The final step is to pay close attention to your kids and reinforce their imitation of positive behaviors. Children who receive positive reinforcement for imitating a behavior, such as praise or a reward, will be more likely to do it again.
Research tells us this, but so does basic anecdotal evidence – We’ve all known a child to curse or say something inappropriate because they’ve realized it makes adults laugh. Instead, keep the big reactions to a minimum (and definitely keep them negative) if your child imitates behaviors you wish they wouldn’t.
Final Thoughts
Teachers know "do as I say, not as I do" doesn't work, and now you know it too. It can be scary to recognize that we are never off the clock when it comes to teaching our kids how to speak and behave, but it's not all bad.
Once you know the value of modeling for learning, you can harness it to teach your kids new skills, positive behaviors, and whatever else you want them to know.
Thanks for reading. Drop a comment to join the conversation.
Let’s connect: Website // Instagram // Weekly Newsletter // Medium
Copyright © 2023 Anna Dunworth