Conversation about mental health is everywhere.
Companies hold seminars for their employees, politicians tout solutions for the growing “crisis,” and everyone from your nephew to your old college roommate is self-reflecting on social media.
It’s been on my mind too as I parent our two-year-old and newborn while keeping up with the house and everything else life throws our way. Add immobilizing back pain and you’ll find me having a breakdown last Friday while hanging decorations for my son’s birthday party.
True story. My husband was there, and he’s a great listener. He also came to me a few days later with ways he could help me lighten the load and avoid those “breakdown” moments.
But that got me thinking — My husband is an amazing person for wanting to improve my mental state. But really, at the end of the day, I am the one responsible for my mental health. I’m the one who needs to figure out how to avoid my mental spirals.
And that’s true for you, too.
It’s Not Just About “Saying No”
This is not another one of the ten million articles, reels, TikToks, Tweets, or whatever else telling you to fix your mental health by “just saying no.”
We’ve all seen them — “Just say no” to that extra project your boss put you on, or the obligatory plans next weekend, or the toxic people who cause you stress. It’s a popular “solution” to mental health challenges.
But, “just say no” doesn’t work for everyone. It’s wildly idealistic — naive, even. Who can really say no to these things without detrimental effects that ALSO hurt your mental health?
…Maybe you need to work on your boss’ extra project to get the promotion that will secure your financial future. Maybe that project will help you grow.
…Maybe you’ll be happy you went to your grandma’s 90th birthday party, even if traveling stressed you out or you had to spend time with a family member you don’t like.
…Maybe, just maybe, having a relationship (even an imperfect one) with your mother is more important than her “toxic” comments that get on your nerves. *rolls eyes at the alarming number of social media posts where people brag about cutting off their “toxic” moms*
I’m tired of the go-to advice suggesting that if you cut difficult things out of your life, you’ll improve your mental health and be happy.
It just doesn’t work, because life is difficult! Cut enough, and what are you left with? Will having nothing make you happy? It wouldn’t make me happy.
Life is always going to be difficult. The trick is getting through the tough stuff without sacrificing your mental health. And you (yes, YOU) are responsible for that.
Figure Out What Helps You Cope and Actually Do It
If you’re constantly looking outside yourself to improve your mental health, you’ll be fighting an uphill battle for a really long time. You will never eliminate every external trigger. It’s just not possible.
Stop playing the blame game. It’s not your boss’s fault, your children’s fault, your parent’s fault, or your spouse’s fault that you are unhappy. It’s not anyone else’s responsibility to save your mental state - It’s yours, and yours alone.
It’s time to look inward, not outward.
If you’re struggling with your mental health and tired of the “just say no” crowd, start by asking yourself these simple reflection questions:
When did I overcome a mental health challenge in the past? How did I do it? What makes me feel good?
What does a “positive mental state” look like for me? What does happiness look like to me? What does it feel like? How will I know when I get there?
What specific steps can I take to work to overcome my mental health challenges? Can I do it on my own, or do I need to seek help from a professional? If I am cutting something out of my life, am I truly okay with losing it? If not, can I find another way?
Once you answer those questions, especially #3, you can start developing a plan to help you feel better — without “just saying no” to parts of your life you don’t really want to lose in the long run.
Strategies for Improving Mental Health
I’m not a mental health professional. I’m just someone who found a few strategies that work really well for me, and I hope they help you too.
I’ve practiced these since my first year teaching high school in Harlem. I really needed something to help me cope as I worked endlessly to help underserved kids on their path to a high school diploma and, more importantly, success beyond graduation.
It felt so futile, honestly. We all worked ungodly hours doing regular teacher stuff, but also helping our students work through trauma nobody their age should be facing. And at the end of the day, they would be graduating into a world where they were statistically unlikely to succeed.
It was very taxing on my mental health. But I was never going to “just say no” to working with them — It was too important. So, I started practicing strategies that I’ve relied on ever since.
Make Time for What Makes You Happy
This is the big one — Identify a few things that improve your mental state and make time for them. Use the reflection above to find them.
Spending time with people who understand and accept me without question is one of the best things I do for my mental health. I try to prioritize it, even just a group chat or a quick dinner. It’s like a breath of fresh air.
Exercise, meditation, and journaling also work for me, and I do my best to fit them into each day.
Find Something to Believe In
Find something you believe in and lean on it when your mental health falters.
For a lot of people, this is religion. Faith-based teachings or practices provide immense wisdom and comfort for believers in times of struggle. If you’re not religious, it can be hard to find something similar. It was for me.
I didn’t grow up in a religious family. We went through the motions of the Catholic church for my grandmother, but I was never under the impression my parents were believers or I should be. It was always “up to me,” and I didn’t believe.
As I got older, I started to wish I did have faith in something. I saw the support it offered so many people and I wanted that in my life.
But when it came down to it, I just couldn’t get on board with any of the faith-based religions I explored. I found it difficult to accept the teachings and authentically believe what they asked me to. I couldn’t do it.
I’m more of an agnostic than an atheist — I’m not saying these religions' teachings were necessarily wrong, but I lacked the faith to trust that they were right. And if you don’t have faith, it doesn’t work.
Then I discovered Secular Buddhism — and something clicked. I started listening to the “Everyday Buddhism” podcast with Wendy Shinyo Haylett and it resonated as nothing else had. After that, I was off, devouring more podcasts and books to learn more.
So, here I am, years later, fully intertwined with Secular Buddhist teachings and immensely grateful for it. This isn’t something I talk about often, but it greatly impacts my daily life and helps me keep control when I feel like I’m spinning. I turn to it in my darkest moments, and it pulls me out.
So that’s my next piece of advice for improving your mental health — Find something to believe in that helps you get through the bad times. A message, a faith, a collection of teachings, a person... Something or someone you can turn to for guidance when the going gets tough.
Pay Attention & Be Mindful
Pay attention to how you feel so you can address your mental health issues before they become unmanageable.
Full disclosure — I struggle with this one.
My natural reflex is to push bad feelings under the rug and avoid thinking about them until they inevitably become too overwhelming to ignore. I’ve been getting better at not doing this, which is good because I think it’s really important for a positive mental state.
Meditation and mindfulness can help you pay closer attention to your thoughts, feelings, and surroundings. Some say these things alone can be all it takes to be happier. I don’t know about that, but they are definitely helpful.
Know When It’s Time to Seek Help — And Actually Go Get It
Sometimes taking responsibility for your mental health means recognizing that you can’t do it alone. It’s great if you have family or friends who want to help, but I’m referring to a professional.
Mental illness is real, and it’s ugly. Self-diagnosis and treatment can go wrong fast, and you might be amazed at how much more progress you can make with the right therapist.
Don’t hesitate if you feel you need professional help. Make the time and show up for yourself (and your loved ones).
Final Words
Take control of your happiness and improve your mental health by looking inward, not outward. Life is tough…. but that doesn’t mean you can’t be happy anyway.
Note: This was originally published on Medium (3/16/2023).
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