When we first brought James home, we were as exhausted as every other new parent out there. It’s alarming how little sleep you get with a newborn.
I was lucky to have my mom staying with us and my husband home from work in the early weeks. While I was nursing (read: always awake), their moral and other support was invaluable. But soon, my mom returned home, and my husband went back to work, although he was still fully remote.
The next period was rough for me. Somewhere between bringing James home and my minor breakdown at his 8-week appointment, I confided in my aunt how absolutely drained and exhausted I felt after two months of sleepless nights with my little guy.
As most experienced mothers do in these situations, my aunt shared some simple but helpful advice. She told me I’d look back one day and think only of how much I miss it.
She advised me not to think about those sleepless moments as a time to be exhausted or frustrated by the situation. Instead, she said, think of each as one precious moment that you will never get back with your son.
This was game-changing advice for me. I really took it to heart. Every night since (James is one now), I push past the fog of exhaustion to focus on my little baby. How sweet he feels in my arms and how good he smells. His little hands holding his bottle. The way he smiles when I smile. I’ve never known anything like it.
I’m a lucky mom because James is a good sleeper. I don’t need to go into his nursery every night. Except when he’s teething, he sleeps from around 7pm until around 5:30 am. Yes, I just knocked on wood.
But when he does wake up, I think of my aunt’s words of wisdom. I rock James quietly and listen to him breathing. I sing him quiet songs and rub his little back. I tell him stories about life and share my worries with him. I hold him close and give him little hugs when he smiles.
I don’t know if I truly look forward to waking up at night, but I don’t dread it anymore. It’s peaceful and quiet, and I like the time to think and reflect.
I lost a close friend in September, gone too soon. In those first weeks and months, I told James stories of my old friend during our nighttime moments together. Sharing tales of a time long past and talking about things that were important to my friend was therapeutic for me.
I realized one night that I had found companionship of a new kind with my little son. While our chats will evolve as he grows up, I hope we continue to share moments of authenticity and closeness. Is there a better time for that than late-night hours when only the two of us are awake?
I’m grateful to my aunt for sharing her advice and encouraging me to look at things a little bit differently. There is immense beauty in the calm stillness of a late-night moment, just my little baby and me rocking together in his nursery. I am happy to experience it, happier to recognize the experience, and sure I really will miss them one day.
For now, I’ll go to bed knowing that James (and I) might sleep through the night. But we might not — and that’s okay, too.
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