Plenty of people jump on the “New Year, New Life” bandwagon, but I’m taking it literally this year. There is a very new life in our house, and with it comes the perfect analogy for new year reflections.
Her name is Eleanor Jo, and she joined our little family on January 4th. She is a perfect pudgeball of sweet joy, squirmy fussing, and innocence found only in the very young.
New Beginnings
Ellie, like all new babies, is a new beginning for all of us. My husband and I are now parents of two, a joyful but challenging transition that has already brought us so much joy (and sleep deprivation). Our son has become a big brother, settling into his role with all the grace and pleasantries of your average two-year-old.
When my son was born, I was overwhelmed by the simple fact that I created him. I still marvel that he came from me, that I grew him and sustained him with nothing but my body. I can hardly believe the wonder of a world that gave us the ability to do something so extraordinary, so naturally.
When I think back to James’ birth, I remember most clearly the moment they handed him to me. All I could think was how impossible it was that he had been inside of me, that I carried around this perfect tiny human for weeks without ever picturing him the way he was. It wasn’t easy to believe it was real. I think I was crying.
With my daughter, that feeling returned almost immediately, and I welcomed it. Watching a new baby take her first breaths in an entirely alien world is something special. I hold her now and wonder what is in store for her. Who will she become? Who and what will she love? What will she look like? How will I keep her safe?
Only time can answer these questions. But I think that’s true of all new beginnings — every new year, every new opportunity — They’re all just leaps of faith. We jump into them and hope for the best. And, hopefully, we emerge better than we were before.
Subtle Endings
With all new beginnings come endings, whether we plan for them or not.
Some people orient their new year around endings, with plans to squash a bad habit or eliminate something that no longer serves them. For others, an ending is simply a subtle counterpart to a new journey they’ve embarked on.
A new baby is, of course, a new beginning, but it is also an ending. Your first child marks the end of your life before parenthood and who you were before. Your next is a departure from being a parent of one and a change in your relationship with your firstborn.
I struggled immensely with the emotional toll of redefining our family dynamics. It was exacerbated by those early baby blues, rocky and unavoidable as ever, and by any moment my son seemed sad or upset. Just the idea of a change in my relationship with James had me in near-constant tears as we all adjusted to baby Ellie coming home.
As a stay-at-home mom, I’ve spent all my time with James for the past two years (and I honestly like it that way). I couldn’t imagine loving anything like I loved him and our life together, nor how another child would fit into our special relationship. Ellie’s arrival proved I could love a second child in kind, and that there was room for another, but this did not entirely soften the blow of the end of the first stage of parenthood.
I was overcome with guilt for how bringing home a new baby would impact my son. I worried I was upending his life, his relationships, and the positive routines we had worked so hard to establish over the past two years. I’m pretty sure I even told my husband I was afraid I “ruined” our son by having another baby. How’s that for overly dramatic? (Shout-out to my husband for always talking me off the ledge, especially when postpartum hormones are raging.)
My sister-in-law reminded me that I was giving my son the greatest gift in a sibling. A similar sentiment was echoed by an old friend shortly after. I clung to this idea, and it helped me make peace with my son’s transition from an only child to a big brother. Sure, it was the end of an era, but couldn’t the next one be even better?
The door has closed now on what we left behind, that wonderful stage of early parenthood that challenged and changed me more than any other time in my life. Our family has shifted to make room for the lovely Ellie, who has already worked her way deep into our hearts and managed to wrap her Daddy around her little finger.
While a shadow of nostalgic sadness remains, it is displaced by the joy of a new relationship, even more special than any other. James and Ellie, a big brother and a little sister. Another new beginning, emerging quietly from the ring of the new year.
What’s in a New Year, Anyway?
Every new year brings a fresh start, if only in our minds and perspectives. A chance to do something differently, to be better, or to start again. Maybe you believe in resolutions — More power to you if you do. Perhaps you’re just looking to keep moving forward, and there’s undoubtedly value there too.
Our new daughter is the epitome of new beginnings and subtle endings. Her arrival inspired me to reflect on new years differently than in the past. Take some time today to consider the new adventures 2023 will bring you and what you will leave behind in 2022 — both intentionally and inadvertently.
From my family to yours, here’s to a wonderful year ahead!
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