Grief comes in waves. Not the sweet little waves of a calm bay or the false monstrosities of an artificial wave pool at your local swim park. Grief is a reckless ocean, sweet and rolling one day, knocking you on your ass the next.
We lose people as we get older. It’s inevitable, really. And the sad thing is the larger your circle of loved ones, the more people you lose. The more impact death has on your life. This isn’t to say you should restrain yourself from closeness with others, but just a reminder that the more you’ve lost, the more you’ve loved – And maybe that’s beautiful.
No two losses feel the same. Sometimes it feels like the world equates each based on your relationship. Even worse, there is some sort of unspoken timeline during which you are expected to move on. Get over it. Heal. Was it your sibling? You can have a few years for that one. Your parent? Take even longer, but not too long, because everyone eventually loses parents. A friend? Give it a day or two – maybe a week, depending on how close you were. You’ll be fine.
But grief doesn’t work like that. Maybe people institute these impossible timelines as defense mechanisms against feelings as wide and unpredictable as the cavernous ocean, threatening to pull you under if you cannot tame it. Not only are you out there fighting for your life, but you’re doing it alone because grief is isolating. I don’t believe any two people grieve the same.
Grief might start as nothing, numb to the shock of the cold. It might start like a big, unexpected wave that catches you off guard while you’re wading out. It might catch you like a rip tide, and you’ll spend forever swimming out of it. However it starts, you can be sure it will change as much as the ocean itself over the years.
Grief doesn’t adhere to a timeline. You don’t just “get over it” one day. You might feel fine for a while, and then something happens, and you’re back in it, struggling to break the surface. It could be nothing. A sight, a smell – even just a stray thought that wandered into your mind. It’s normal. It’s healing. Maybe one day the cycle ends, and you are healed.
They say grief is a process. They say time heals all things. I don’t know if that’s true. At the very least, time might dull pain. The best we can do is to honor the legacy of our lost loved ones. To remember the best in them and keep it alive. To find support somewhere and lean on it until you’re ready to move forward. And to not be too hard on yourself until you get there.
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