Agh, "gentle parenting." It's all the rage right now.
Young parents laud it as the culmination of decades of research, the catch-all fail-safe to ensure little toddlers grow into emotionally regulated, fully functional adults.
The more traditionally-minded dismiss it as a pathway to permissive parenting, just another well-marketed trend to eventually fade away.
Even nonparents from generations X to Z get in on the action, blowing up their social media platforms to blame their problems on the boomers' lack of gentle parenting. It gets clicks.
Is gentle parenting the answer we've all been seeking? I don't know. I'm not here to talk about that, and this article is not about gentle parenting.
This article is about the speed with which we label ourselves and the critical risks it poses to our quality of life, critical thinking skills, and children. It just so happens that the gentle parenting craze is a perfect example to illustrate what I'm talking about.
Jump Ahead:
What's with the Labels?
Seriously, what's with the labels? People are obsessively codifying and clarifying everything from their learning differences to their heritage and gender identities. Constructing very specific little boxes into which they cram themselves in an easy-to-present package for the next person they meet.
Just take a look at your social media pages. Read people's bios. More often than not, they are a list of categories into which the person falls. Sometimes with a cute little emoji to match. This is a direct example of how we choose to present ourselves to the world.
The research tells us that we start labeling one another as soon as we are born. We hold tightly to these categories (and those we think people have assigned to us) and rely on them to understand ourselves, the world, and the people around us.
I understand the value of conveying parts of your identity quickly and easily. Especially in our digital world, it facilitates finding a like-minded community and feeling a little bit less alone.
So we pursue our "truth" and we "discover ourselves." We go to great lengths to dig deeply into our past and "put in the work." To "break the negative cycles" in our history and minds and figure out who we are and who we are meant to be.
And then, once we do, we seek out words or phrases to describe ourselves that others just like us are using too. Or, if the existing ones don't feel right, we create a brand new one to unleash in the world. Better learn it, everyone.
We take these hard-come-upon labels and stick them on our social media profiles. We create, sell, and buy t-shirts with them splashed across the front. We throw it on a car magnet or a big trendy sticker for our laptop covers.
We look disdainfully at people who don't know our particular labels or, even worse, have the nerve to live without bothering to research their own or others' chosen categories.
But when does it go too far? When does something that is supposed to help us feel connected start to separate us? Most of us want to understand ourselves and one another better. But is developing and propagating labels ad nauseam really the best way to do it?
The Dangers of Labeling
Personally, I think society's current obsession with labels has become detrimental to our lives, relationships, and identities.
The simple truth is that no matter how hard we try, we will never be able to define ourselves (and one another) simply through labels. People do not work that way...and thank goodness they don't.
Even if you were to find every accepted label that applies to you and compile them into a list, that list would still not define you. Because you are more than your labels.
Imagine for a moment that you could create a list of labels to encompass every aspect of who you are. Now imagine who you were five years ago. Would the list still apply? Probably not.
People are ever-evolving. Those who recognize their ability to grow and change are more successful and live happier lives than those who become stuck and stagnated in their labels. Common sense agrees with these studies.
For the record, I think many people already know much of this and choose to focus on their labels anyway. But I also believe our label-obsessed world hurts more than it helps us all.
Labeling Hurts Our Critical Thinking Skills
One of my biggest bones to pick with the "labeling" crisis is that it stops us from critically thinking about ideas, people, and problems. And that's bad.
If someone has the same label as us, our impulse is to like them and accept their ideas. If someone has a different label from our own, we want to challenge or occasionally educate them. If someone doesn't know anything about the labels relevant to the conversation, they get the benefit of the doubt with a side of judgment or pity.
Even worse, we act how we think we should based on the labels we have. We not only treat one another differently, but we treat ourselves differently. We make decisions and choices based on these ideas instead of carefully considering options in the moment.
We've completely thrown critical thinking out the window.
Labeling Hurts Our Relationships
Our labels have become a quick and easy way to decide who stands with us and who is against us. We post them publically so we can see at a glance who we will bother to engage with and in what ways.
From the earliest stages of life, we look to people's categories and labels to impact how we view them. We make assumptions. We see them in a particular way because of their labels, rather than in spite of them.
Getting to know one another does not happen overnight or in the minute it takes to read a social media profile. It requires time and effort that most people in this fast-paced age of instant gratification cannot spare. So, we turn to our labels to do the job for us.
But the reality is that we might find ourselves aligned in label - but nothing else. Or we reject a great person because they didn't present themselves in the right category. It's a little depressing to think about our knee-jerk reactions to different terms or emojis in a bio.
People are not entirely good or entirely bad. We are all a little bit of both. It's not about seeking perfect people to fill our lives with, but finding those in whom we see enough good to overlook the bad.
Labeling Diminishes Our Identities
As I mentioned above, I believe we present our own labels to find community and like-minded people. And that's nice and all, but it's useful to ask ourselves what we are reducing ourselves to when we do this.
Which little box is the one we find most important? What are we trying to communicate? Is it even authentic? Forcing ourselves into categories is unhealthy.
Often, we take on labels devised by others under the guise that we want them. Endless research tells us that we deeply internalize whatever categories others have placed us in. Then, we use them to develop a sense of self and reflect them back to the world in our behaviors and choices.
Some researchers even go so far as to conclude that no sense of self can exist without others to perceive us. Considering this, it's important to take a step back, examine how we see ourselves, and investigate where our self-images came from.
I won't overshare here by listing the commonly-used labels that apply to me. But I will say that for whatever reason, most of the ones that initially come to mind relate to something negative. Something I've struggled with or something that's happened to me. Few relate to things within my control.
I'm not going to jump to a conclusion that everyone's labels fit the same negative characterization as my own, nor attempt to explain the deeper sociological or psychological implications of that. It's not in my wheelhouse.
I'm just encouraging you to consider the labels you choose for yourself. And then ask: Is characterizing myself this way helping me along the path to happiness?
If the answer is no, maybe find a better way.
Okay, Fine. We'll Talk About Gentle Parenting.
Alright, we got here in the end. And it's only fitting because my frustration at the gentle parenting craze first triggered my annoyance at the label obsession, which eventually evolved into this article.
People fight to the digital death on countless social media threads over whether or not gentle parenting is the best method. Someone will say something that either supports or challenges the parenting style, often explicitly labeling themselves a 'gentle parent' or 'not a gentle parent.' It's that transparent.
Immediately after someone labels themselves in either way, attacks ensue from all angles. Someone on the other side of the keyboard is ready to fight, insult, and disparage you because they think they know all they need simply from your self-imposed parenting label.
And for the person with the gall to ask what gentle parenting actually means? Off with their heads! How dare you not understand someone else's label? How dare you not know the title for a collection of ideas and actions that, for all anyone knows, you might entirely believe in and utilize yourself?
Parenting Styles Are As Unique As We Are
If you google "parenting styles" (or something similar), you'll find quite a few. Some will be familiar, others will not. But there are enough out there that everyone can find one that fits well enough to wear.
And once you find yours, you can shout it, post it on your Instagram, and embrace it as completely as the social media gentle parent trolls. (I'm really not trying to hate on gentle parenting, but I swear it feels like an organized effort to comment so extensively on every tangentially related post on the internet.)
Or, you can take a step back and recognize that no label could ever encompass the deep, complicated nature of your parenting. Every parent is different. Every child is different. And every parent-child relationship, therefore, is different. No outsider can fully understand the intricacies of a parent's relationship with their child.
A strategy might work well for another child. Maybe for every other child. But that doesn't necessarily mean it will work for your own. And trying to force something because it falls under the umbrella of your chosen parenting style is a fool's errand.
One size will never fit all. As a teacher, you learn this lesson quickly and completely.
If every parent tried to use the same methods in the same way, it would be a disaster. It would never work. And if some "golden" method existed, I like to think we as a society would've figured it out by now.
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Copyright © 2023 Anna Dunworth
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