"Hello, Jaaa!"
"Helloooo! Jaaa!!"
crash; stomp; door opens loudly.
running footsteps.
"Good morning, Mommy!"
This is how our mornings together begin, give or take a few shouts, crashes, and 'mommy' calls. Our kids can be wonderfully predictable in this way.
Our 17-month-old usually wakes first, typically between 6:30 and 7.
Ellie Jo pulls a book from the shelves beside her bed, carefully turning each page to study the pictures. When she's finished, she grasps the book in two hands above her head (soccer-free-throw-style) and hurls it as hard as she can across the room.
Then she reaches for the next book and does it all again.
Across the room, our three-year-old sleeps soundly, entirely unaware and unbothered by his sister's moderately violent morning reading habits.
Elsewhere, I hear the books flying and check the baby monitor. I keep an ear out but don't stop what I'm doing, whether it's resting or preparing for the day. She's happy, he's sleeping, and all is well.
When Ellie is finished 'reading,' she's ready to get up...except she's still stuck in her crib. This becomes a job for her more mobile, less restrained older brother.
She leans over the railing and hollers at the top of her lungs.
"Hello, Jaa!!!"
She's still working on the full 'James.' She'll get there.
A few shouts later, and James wakes up. He stretches, maybe sips his water, and climbs out of bed. Some mornings, he tosses a few toys into Ellie's crib. When he does this, she flings them right back out. What can you do, right?
Finally, he turns on their light and runs to find me. The day has begun.
We live in a modest house with four small bedrooms, and people sometimes ask why our kids share a room. We could, theoretically, have James in one room, Ellie Jo in another, and still have one left for our new arrival expected this summer.
Well, I slept in this morning, long past my alarm. I lay in bed listening to the book-throwing, waiting for the wake-up call and the pitter-patter of James' little feet rushing towards our bedroom. And I thought to myself: This is why they share a room.
It's important to me that my kids become as close as their personalities and circumstances allow. If they grow apart as they age, I want to know that at least I did what I could to encourage love and support between them and to teach them how to care for one another the way siblings should.
This, of course, goes beyond room sharing.
It's a constant, never-ending endeavor to frame our lives as a team effort, something we are all in together. It's ever on my mind, and I regularly catch myself seconds away from language or actions that foster competition between our kids, compare them, or make one feel like less for the sake of the other.
It's not easy, as the reflex is often to set siblings (and all people) against one another. For something so unintentional and without any ill will, it happens constantly, at the hands of nearly every adult in their lives. I can't control everyone, but I can control myself, so I start there.
It's natural to compare people to one another and ourselves, even when we know very little about them. Some have learned to forgo this instinct, but many have not. Regardless, siblings constantly hear themselves compared in terms of age, size, gender, development - pretty much every category out there.
This is all to say that it sometimes feels like the deck is stacked against siblings developing healthy relationships with one another. They're always watching the other(s), often partaking in the same activities, and constantly hearing themselves compared by others. It's incredibly difficult for them not to internalize all that.
I just hope that when it comes to my kids, I'm helping their relationship, not hurting it.
Which brings me back to room sharing.
I love watching my kids grow into their room together. Their inherent coexistence and how they look out for one another is incredibly sweet, made more so by their youth. They start and end each day together, and they (thankfully) seem to prefer it that way.
I shared a room with my sister growing up, and though I was happy to have my own in high school, I think we were better for it when we were small. We have extremely different personalities, but sharing a room forced us to learn how to make them work together in a way that became entirely natural as we got older.
I've noticed shifts in their relationship since James and Ellie began sharing a room. Of course, I don't know how much of this to attribute to the room share and how much just comes with them growing up, but it's been wonderful to witness.
Sure, they squabble over toys and other items. Sometimes, they push and shove, or one demands space while the other goes in for a hug. Every so often Ellie cries and James shouts "NO ELLIE, STOP CRYING" for so long that I think I might lose my mind...
But they also search for one another when out of sight. They bring each other toys they know the other loves. They wake at night, look across the room, and find comfort in the companionship of the other's steady breathing. They go back to sleep without tears.
Today, Ellie Jo tried her first balance bike. James helped her swing a leg over before shouting, "Hang on tight, Eleanor!" and pushing her in wide circles around the carpet.
It's difficult for me to put into words what it feels like to witness these things. It's just so pure and good, and I hope beyond hope that they find a way to continue their closeness throughout their lives.
A quick clarification for those tempted to call me an idealist: I know there will be conflict as they grow up. It's just natural, and all the planning and intention in the world can't stop it. I'm not on some futile quest to prevent all fighting, but rather to do what I can to ensure that when the dust settles, my kids emerge closer, unscarred, and supportive of one another into adulthood.
And a final note of reflection: I used to worry that our house was too small for our growing family or that we'd be doing our kids a disservice by bunking them together. Recently, I'm deeply unconcerned. Small spaces have their challenges, but they also teach resilience and coexistence, and I think we could all use a little more of that.
The Logistics
Before I sign off here, let's chat logistics for anyone considering a room transition for their kids. Hopefully, our experience can help you decide what's best for your family :)
We have a three-year-old, a 17-month-old, and one on the way. We've always talked about having four kids, but we figure we'll take it one at a time before committing to anything.
We have four bedrooms in the house. Right now, we use them as our bedroom, an office, a nursery, and the kids' room. We plan to separate the kids by gender into the current nursery and kids' room once they are all over the age of one.
Of course, we'll adjust as time passes and circumstances change. Maybe we will end up with more or fewer kids than we plan. Maybe they will have needs that require something else entirely. Maybe we'll add on to the house someday and switch it all up. Who knows...We like to take things as they come.
Transitioning to a Shared Room
The initial move of Ellie Jo into James' room wasn't exactly seamless. A friend advised me to stick it out for at least two weeks before giving up, and that tip turned out to be spot-on.
We moved Ellie in at roughly 13 months...I didn't clock it, but it was around then. The first few nights were not good, but it gradually improved. By two weeks in, they were both sleeping through the night, even if the other woke up or made a bit of noise. They got used to one another's sleep noises and stopped being bothered by them.
So, if you're considering transitioning kids to a shared room, I say give it a go and don't give up for the first few weeks. It'll probably work out.
This was not a research-based post, but I did do tons of reading on the subject before we moved our kids in together. If you want to do the same, just head to Google and dive in - but please, check your sources before you take them seriously.
From what I remember of my reading, the research shows that siblings who share rooms become closer, learn conflict resolution, and develop other relationship skills that help in later life. On the other hand, you'll also find cautions related to sleep quality and lack of privacy in the teen years.
Best of luck to all the parents of multiple kids out there. Wishing you peace, love, and comfort within your households...and positive sibling relationships, of course!
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